The Chronicles Of Grant County:
A New Health Crisis

April 1, 2020

This poster was provided courtesy of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

As you view and listen to officials with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the United States Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the United States military, and other governmental officials discuss the current pandemic, you may not be aware that these same governmental entities have been actively planning for a different type of health emergency.

A zombie invasion of the United States, including Grant County.

Yes, zombies.

The planning for this zombie invasion has evidently been underway for a number of years.  It continues to this very day.  The poster at the top of this news column is available on the current website of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

The official website of the United States Department of Homeland Security (DHS) indicates that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) conducted its “Community Preparedness Webinar Series:  Zombie Awareness” on September 6, 2012.

Featured speakers at this webinar included representatives of the CDC as well as the Kansas Department of Emergency Management.  There was no indication if President Barack Obama or other Cabinet secretaries attended this specific webinar conducted during his Administration.

The CDC website has some detailed advice regarding an invasion of zombies:

“So what do you need to do before zombies…actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house.  This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp.”

Specific items are recommended by the CDC to include in your emergency kit.  The exact wording from the CDC listing these items is as follows:

Water (1 gallon per person per day)

Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)

Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)

Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)

Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)

Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)

Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)

First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you…)

Amazing.

The CDC doesn’t even mince words – “You’re a goner if a zombie bites you.”

Some of the supplies suggested by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to prepare for a zombie invasion
include water, canned food with no labels, an old style cell phone, a deck of playing cards, and a boom box-type device.
(Photograph was provided courtesy of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

Other helpful advice from the CDC:

“Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates…”

“Plan your evacuation route.  When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance!”

Is it derogatory for a governmental agency with the reputation like the CDC to call a zombie a “flesh eater”?

According to the CDC, it is prepared to assist Grant County residents – as well as all Americans – in case of a zombie invasion:

“If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak.  CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation.  This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).  It’s likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals:  determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated.  Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other Federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas.”

No word if there are special labs of the CDC prepped for zombie infestation testing or if the labs being utilized for the current pandemic might have to be re-purposed.

You might think that going into the wilderness in the Gila National Forest might protect you.  Afterall, there are several waterways in the wilderness, but those might not be wide enough to offer protection from zombies.  This is according to a plan prepared by the U S military starting during the Summers of 2009 and 2010, and issued on April 30, 2011.

The plan, entitled “CDRUSSTRATCOM CONPLAN 8888-11 COUNTERZOMBIE DOMINANCE OPERATIONS,” stated that “Zombies cannot drive, climb or swim (although zombies can wade into water, they cannot float or swim).  Although waterways are likely to remain viable, humans can only use them safely if they are very wide and they are free of any means for zombies to reach down and grab at them (such as from bridges).”

The U S military also noted that “ground water from streams and rivers will be unreliable since it will be difficult to determine if ground water is a vector for zombie infection.”

While this scene in the Gila National Forest looks inviting, the U S military has warned that locations
like this could be deadly during a zombie invasion:  “Although waterways are likely to remain viable,
humans can only use them safely if they are very wide and they are free of any means for zombies to
reach down and grab at them (such as from bridges).” The U S military noted that zombies are able
to wade across waterbodies like the one in this photograph.
(The photo was provided courtesy of the U S Forest Service.)

Unbeknownst to most Americans, there are actually several types of zombies that the U S military is prepared to engage in battle.

Non-believers may have a problem with one specific type of zombie, according to the U S military.

No indication is provided whether being a member of the Roman Catholic, Southern Baptist, Reform Jewish, Hindu, Sunni Muslim faith or any other specific denomination will assist you during a zombie invasion.

This report did note, though, that non-religious Americans may be more likely to become food for a certain type of zombie “created via some form of occult experimentation” – the EMZs.  The report explained that “the Chaplain Corps may provide the only viable means of combating EMZs.  As such, atheists could be particularly vulnerable to EMZ threats.”

According to this operational plan by the U S military, there are actually vegetarian zombies – the VZs.  Who knew that some zombies did not lust after brains, but instead craved grains? But there’s a reason to dislike vegetarians – at least vegetarian zombies:  “Although VZs do not attack humans or other animal life, they will consume all plant life in front of them.  They can cause massive de-forestation or elimination of basic food crops essential to humans (rice, corn, soybeans).”

Being eaten alive for brains or dying from starvation? Not a wonderful choice.

Beyond the CDC, FEMA, and DHS as well as the U S military, governmental officials in Florida, Illinois, Kansas, New Jersey, and elsewhere have been actively involved in the efforts to plan for a zombie invasion.

On September 28, 2012, Mr. Sam Brownback, then the Governor of the State of Kansas, signed a proclamation
naming October of 2012 as “Zombie Preparedness Month.” Looking on are at least two zombies celebrating
the event.  In addition to the Governor, five other humans – also known as “food for zombies” – were present
at the signing event.  Mr. Brownback serves today as the United States Ambassador-at-Large for International Religious Freedom.
(Photograph was provided courtesy of the Kansas Adjutant General’s Department.)

“The unthinkable…the unimaginable…decaying monsters of the undead with a craving for brains.  Zombies! Are you prepared for the unexpected?”

This was the question asked in an official news release of the Kansas Adjutant General’s Department on September 28, 2012.  The news release noted that “If you’re prepared for zombies, you’re prepared for anything.”

In addition, the news release provided helpful advice on “how…you prepare for a zombie apocalypse.” Among the points noted, “You assemble a home emergency kit with all the supplies you need to survive on your own for a minimum of three days, you make an emergency plan and you practice it with your family so everyone knows what to do.”

At the signing of the proclamation naming October of 2012 as “Zombie Preparedness Month,” two zombies “got a
chance to meet Olympic Gold Medalist and University of Kansas sprinter, Diamond Dixon.” Ms. Dixon was born in
El Paso, Texas.  As of today’s date, Ms. Dixon has – thankfully – escaped the clutches of the zombies.
(Photograph was provided courtesy of the Kansas Adjutant General’s Department.)

According to the State of Kansas, “The Adjutant General’s Department synchronizes multi-agency assets utilizing integrated planning; coordinates local, state, and federal resources; and provides equipped, trained and ready Army and Air Forces, rapid emergency management response, and cohesive homeland security capability to protect life and property in our state, and protect national interests from both Kansas and abroad.”

In other words, these men and women know what they’re talking about.

And they’ve been preparing for the zombie invasion for years.

In addition to the proclamation in 2012, Governor Brownback signed similar proclamations in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2017 (he may also have signed a proclamation in 2011), and then-Governor Jeff Colyer signed a similar proclamation in 2018.  As best as can be determined, current Kansas Governor Laura Kelly has not signed any proclamations regarding zombies.

Not to be outcome, the Illinois State House designated October as “Zombie Preparedness Month” in 2017.

With governmental support, a civic organization in Bergen County, New Jersey, hosted a “Zombie Preparedness Day” on October 25, 2014.

One county in Florida created a preparedness plan that included the concern that people would not necessarily believe that a zombie horde was on its way or that the zombies had arrived:  “It can be assumed that these messages will not be taken seriously by the general public.”

To read more about these governmental efforts, please click here.

Do you have questions about communities in Grant County?

A street name?  A building?

Your questions may be used in a future news column.

 Contact Richard McDonough at chroniclesofgrantcounty@gmail.com.

© 2020 Richard McDonough